Good morning, loyal StanGraphs readers! It has come to our attention that many of you reach our site thanks to the inquiries you make on search engines. We’re guessing you use Google, although maybe there are a few of you who have traveled back to 1997 and use Lycos or Ask Jeeves. Wait, that wouldn’t work because our site wasn’t around in 1997. Unless you figured out some weird, multi-dimensional time travel thing…never mind. That’s a topic for another day, a day such as January 13, 2051.*

Anyway, I guess it’s advisable to get back to the point of this post. Many of the search results that lead viewers to StanGraphs are asking for specifics we simply haven’t gotten around to covering yet. Maybe you searched for “Matt Holliday football career” and found us because we write a whole lot about Matt Holliday, but we sure haven’t delved into his college football prowess. Get it? Good. The Search Results category is aimed at bringing you the information you crave, even if some of that information isn’t typically in our wheelhouse. And yes, we promise you all of these topics were legitimately searched for by viewers that landed right on this very page.

Search: “rick sutcliffe drunk”

Rick Sutcliffe happens to write periodically for StanGraphs, so we have the inside scoop on the incident that most likely prompted this search. While the media would have you believe that Sutcliffe got astoundingly trashed at a Padres game and goaded announcer Matt Vasgersian about not finding a better position. Slick Rick tells a different story, however, as he insists that when he was yelling “Matty” he was actually calling out to his pet stegasaurus whose name also happens to be Matt.

Not fully satisfied with the answer I was given, I grilled The Red Baron a bit more about that night. He claims that his proximity to Matt Vasgersian, and the fact that he happened to be staring right at him, was mere coincidence. He also said that I was totally wrong and that dinosaurs were only extinct in countries other than Japan and Montanta. I tried to make him understand that, a) he was in the United States, which is decidedly not Japan, and b) Montanta isn’t a country. My efforts fell on deaf ears, however. No seriously, Rick left the room and forced Marlee Matlin to enter in his place.

Search: “what happen when plates kept on colliding”

We really have no idea what the person who initiated this search wants from us, so we’re going to give it our very best shot. I’m not sure how to interpret the tense disagreements, so I’m just not going to. Anyway, to my best knowledge, if multiple plates continue to collide with one another, the results are not likely to be desirable. In a brief test study, we tossed plates into the air toward each other ina bouncy house to understand what effect the collisions would have without having to worry about the hard floor becoming a pesky variable that threw the whole experiment off. If turns out, more often than not, that the plates would shatter all over the place and leave dangerous fragments strewn about the bouncy house. Both Spencer and I left the bouncy house with numerous cuts and bruises, though we did encourage the onlooking children to go ahead and have fun in there. Hey, they were obnoxious, okay? I think they were listening to One Direction.

In a strange twist, it seems that light plastic plates simply deflect off one another and land lightly without incurring any physical damage. We encountered the same result with paper plates. Our honest advice is that if you want to understand what happen when plates kept on colliding, your best bet is to go with a softer type of plate.

Search: “list of Allen Craig‘s accomplishments”

• Drafted in the 2006 Major League Baseball amateur draft, eighth round
• Made Major League debut in 2010
• Hit four home runs and won first World Series title during 2011 postseason
• Posted .876 OPS and hit 22 home runs in just 514 plate appearances during the 2012 regular season
• Captured Osama bin Laden
• Hit a baseball with a camera in it to Mars in order to help determine if the planet is habitable
• Has been used as an affordable alternative to explosives when buildings must be demolished
• Beat Superman at arm wrestling
• Will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond in the next 007 film to ensure surname continuity
• Came in third in the 2012 United States presidential election despite not being on the ballot

Search: “erin andrews fox”

Erin Andrews is a sportscaster who recently covered the 2012 Major League Baseball playoffs for the Fox network. Andrews was born on May 4, 1978 and has become renowned for her world on the field as a sideline and dugout reporter. Born in Maine, Andrews’ father was also involved in broadcasting. Perhaps his career choice prompted her to enter the same field, and she has certainly done well in following in his footsteps.

Aside from her career in broadcasting, Andrews has also gained recognition from both StanGraphs and other media outlets for being hot. While the beginning of Andrews’ broadcasting career is well-documented, there is no exact record of when she started to be hot. The StanGraphs staff first noticed to ascent into the hot field in the mid-2000s during her tenure with ESPN. Andrews has cemented her status as being good at being hot by posing for swimsuit photos that can easily be found on Google images. These photos were consulted tastefully be the author during the composition of this post.

Search: “i want a poster of marco scutaro standing in the rain”

The perpetrator of this query is clearly an evil, soulless jerk who loves watching the Cardinals lose and Marco Scutaro be a huge melodramatic fart. We’re assuming the search is related to Marco Scutaro throwing his hands in the air and smiling like he found a pot of leprechaun gold once rain started falling near the end of the Giants’ game seven NLCS victory against the Cardinals. We hated that moment, want to head-butt Scutaro in his Adam’s apple, and are not aware of any such poster existing. Then again, if the poster did exist, we would have already burned all known copies in an attempt to rid the world of unsightly filth; StanGraphs is very concerned about the environment.

StanGraphs will create time travel on January 13, 2051. We’re aware of our scientific advances because we were able to travel back in time to the present and tell you. Don’t ask why all of our predictions are still wrong; that’s just to throw you off our scent.

Tagged: Allen Craig, Erin Andrews, search results, St. Louis Cardinals